Machete's and Turtles
by Josie Gibbons
Summary: please don't kill me for this...it's a mistake, a total mistake. i'm not a WillLyra basher, this just had to come out.


MACHETES AND TURTLES

For some reason it never occurred to me that fanfics don't have to be serious or depressing or the like, so I'm trying me hand at a bit of funny! Beware the crazy florescent pink turtles who shoot spots out of their gobs! Enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: me no own, me no own, me no own! HEEHEEHEEHEE!

"Awh, look at the pretty little Turtles!" Lyra exclaimed, and Will sighed in desperation. When he told Lyra he loved her he didn't count on getting the full out of her crazy, animal loving side.

"Will, aren't they just the most gorgeous. Aren't they, Will." she grinned, bending down to pet the head of the largest florescent pink turtle that was sitting on the sand.

"Err, yea, gorgeous, if you say so…" Will said, barely hiding his concern for the blond girl. Blondes were supposed to be stupid and let you get on with whatever, weren't they? So what was it with Lyra? She was _so_ not a normal blond, and he didn't care if things happened different in her world, this wasn't either of their worlds so she could at least be good enough to act like she was in his and be a total open Slapper.

Here we interrupt the story with a little note from the writer, if you can call her a writer with this rubbish. The crazy one just wants to say that she's just messing around with the characters so don't kill her for screwing them about. It's just a story and she loves Will and Lyra for what they are in the original HDM. Okay, now back to the real story, if you can call this real…

"I'm so happy you understand." Lyra grinned, standing up and watching as Will tried his best not to stick his hand up her top. "These animals are so amazing, I've never seen anything like them before." She let him kiss her, and he was reminded of what he saw in her. She was a great meet even if she was animal mad.

"Yea, they're lovely." He said, not really meaning it but just hoping that if she thought he was sensitive he would get to feel her up again tonight.

"Take. Me. To. Your. Leader." The first of the Turtles yelled, jumping up onto his feet and raising his laser gun to face the two daemons that were getting off with each other slightly more progressively than Will and Lyra had been. But that could have been because they were in a corner instead of on the middle of a stage in front of hundreds of people who'd flown over to London so they could watch the real Will and Lyra get off with each other live on stage. I don't know, do I? I'm not even a proper author, I'm just a fourteen year old kid.

"Hang on a sec." The director held up his hand in backstage but was egnored by the troops of penguins he had employed to run the set, after taking away their machete's away obviously. "Wait, you stupid fat penguins. Didn't I tell you to check the evil lord snuffle bug got his connection through satellite instead of sitting on the stage!" he yelled, and continued even when it was obvious the penguins were too busy breaking into the store-room to get their machete's back. "You know Lord Snuffle Bug can't stand watching a happy play, even if our two main characters who are supposed to be in love and getting off with each other have decided they don't exactly have much in common anyway."

"Get lost you fat pig!" one penguin yelled, as he ran back brandishing his machete on his arm, glad to be feeling his lethal weapon in his hands again, it had been so long. The director just grunted in response. Well, it wasn't his fault his dad had been desperate, was it! And at least he could still walk like a human, even if his pig/human genes kept having huge wars and his arse wouldn't be speaking to his head for weeks and giving him either diarrhoea or constipation depending on what mood it was in. Just the luck of having a human dad and a pig mum, wasn't it! He could have killed his dad for that!

"Lyra, come on. We've got to get off with each other. The audience is getting bored." Will screamed as a spot came flying out of the mouth of one of the turtles and attached itself firmly onto Kirjava's face.

"Will, I'm all spots!" She screamed back at him, and it was true, because the Turtles had seen the option of attacking the blond while her 'boyfriend' was out of the way and had done just so. Will looked over at her, and then leapt back in shock.

"Too right you're all spots! Keep away from me you ugly bint!" He yelled over the noise, as another spot, sent her way by a Turtle being ridden by one of the penguins, attached itself to the tip of her nose and began to bubble, turning into a giant Black Head.

"I fuckin hate spots!" Lyra yelled at the top of her voice. "Oy, Serifina, don't the witches have some way of getting rid of these bastards?"

"Up yours you stroppy little cow!" Serifina Peccala yelled as she wrestled unsuccessfully with another of the turtle-riding, machete wielding penguins. "Don't you think I'm having enough bloody problems with these feckin Farmyard Pets! Go sort your own feckin problems you bitch!"

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I needed to get that out…Please forgive me… for all you people out there who totally flame Will/Lyra screw ups like this I totally understand. I flame anything like this myself normally cause it just doesn't work. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. Please, please don't be too mad at me…I'll go back to writing nice happy Will/Lyra get-back-together again now._


End file.
